Wednesday, February 4, 2009

5 Upsides to Global Warming

People tell me that global warming is scary. That's not scary. Having your anus forcibly carved out with a paring knife, that's scary. What global warming is is different. Its natural for people to fear change. For example look at how change scares an eight year old. They're terrified when you make them change out of their clothing - just like adults are when you try to change their worldview. So today I'm going to show you five ways that global warming can be as warm and wholesome as a naked eight year old.

5. Farming In Alaska

The temperature will transform Alaska's bitter northern slopes to verdant nubile fields.
People will build wooden huts and live to work the land, and the new era of "agrarian neo-green homosexuals" will rise. Not just here, but everywhere, food yields in the far north will flourish.

Humanity can begin anew. Shaken like a cultural etch-a-sketch, we can all learn to live together in the super massive ghetto we hastily cobbled together and live in peace and human filth until Plague 2 comes.

4. Eternal Summer

Temperatures rise. Wonderful. It's winter now and it's so cold I want to eat a bullet. Sure, the water level rises and only Colorado, Washington and Wyoming are left, but finally we can restart with just the good states.

Oh boo-hoo we lost the south. Fossil fuel byproduct accomplishes what trailer parks and bacon cheeseburgers couldn't. Maybe we lost a few other cities (78% of them worldwide) but come on, your town could probably benefit from hitting the reset button.

3. Glaciers

Gone. All they do is kill people, generate weather no one wants and force soccer players to feast upon each other. Stop hogging all that liquid and melt already.

The only people who will protest this are mountain climbers, the non-professional population of whom are conceited dick-lickers. Your mountain sized kill-ice is gone, you carabiner fascists.

2. Traditional Terrorists Will Disappear

In full swing, global warming will make Iran, Pakistan and Afghanistan practically uninhabitable. A shame to lose all those millions of innocent people, but the few terrorists installed there will be forced to leave.

America's buildings and infrastructure will have been destroyed by the flooding and temperature, and all walks of life will be forced to live together on what land remains, and then the healing can begin between sorely differing philosophical and religious view. Until they release Plague 2.

1. Mass Extinctions

Heat and rising sea levels will have a couple adverse effects, like wiping vast habitats off the map. The UN believes that extinctions are happening at one thousand times the normal rate. Acidic oceans will now only nurture vast graveyards of fish bones. Rain forests wither to dust, their inhabitants living now only on DVD. Sounds sad right? WRONG.

Fuck animals. For every cute harbor seal there are a thousand types of spider that would give you a huge glistening sack of spider dollars to lay eggs in your eye. As it is you live in a house, commute to work and then go back. At what point are you really going to miss a giant poisonous moth or that god damn fish that swims up your urethra and expands. Let it go, just already.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Top 5 Worst Ways To Die In A Movie

(Thanatophobia — fear of dying)
There's a lot of competition in this field, movies have been pioneering the most horrific ways imaginable to perish for some time now.
From Rumble in the Bronx's headfirst into a woodchipper to Anaconda's eaten by an Anaconda, its time to head-first woodchipper dive into subjectivity and find the worst of the worst.

5. Eaten Alive
From: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(Phagophobia — fear of being eaten alive)

Painful, terrifying, and little on the slow side. Mother nature rea
lly knows how to be just horrific on many levels, because to some extent all flesh is meant to be consumed in the grand food chain, which makes you aware that this is universally scary to all living things. This unlucky fellow was thrown to the crocs by his boss.

4. Flaming Skewer to the Gut
From: Indiana
Jones and the Temple of Doom
(Sinophobia - Fear of the Chinese)
(General Tso's Skewer - Squab in hoysin sauce, its to die for)

The Chinese triad mobsters are so polite, that they were trying to kill indy in their own club but on the down low, presumably to save face. During the show down, Indy hurls a flaming squab skewer at this man's midsection. I imagine the force at which it was traveling probably sent a rib shooting out of his back. and seriously, you need a rib shooting out of your back as much as you need a nailgun to the collarbone. Fuck that noise.

3. Choked to death by a ceiling fan
From: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(Pnigophobia — fear of being unable to breathe, or of choking)

More slow and terrifying ways to die from Spielberg. Ideally you'd want the neck to snap and put you out of your misery, otherwise its an adrenaline filled suffocation fest that leaves you dead, but leaves perverts ejaculating and dead.

2. Your beating heart is pulled out and then you are dropped into lava
From: Indiana Jon
es and the Temple of Doom
(Pyrophobia - fear of fire)
(heartstealaphobia - fear of having your fucking heart stolen)

I don't remember a time when this didn't terrify me. Clearly this is the work of a disturbed person taking time to plan out just an awful way to go. Or rather, taking two awful ways to go and linking them via magic. Which opens the door to even more macabre scenarios, like magic keeping you alive after a gunshot wound to the face so you can be raped to death, or, magic keeping you alive after a raping that will kill a mortal man, only to be fatally raped.

1. Slowly Crushed To Death From: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(Barophobia — fear of being crushed)

And number one way to go, my personal nightmare, crushed slowly. Combining anxiety and incredible pain, I really have to hand it to Spielberg and company for jam packing Temple of Doom with such vivid gore and terror. This is it for me, there is no worse way I could imagine to die, that is unless the lead singer from nickleback somehow has a razor sharp penis, then my darkest nightmare could come to life where he holds me hostage with it and makes me listen to one of their albums.

Spielberg is a deeply broken man, its a wonder he's done so many family friendly films, the Indy series is kid friendly like ice cream is broken glass friendly. The filmmaker ran the table dominating the top 5 with just one of his films, fan favorite cringe worthy deaths like the head explosion from scanners, all of Braveheart, or the end of Philadelphia were sadly edged out.
Perhaps the runners up category will see some more variety...

Runners up
And its a tie between two other Indiana Jones films.

Melted by God Fire
From: Raiders of the Lost Arc
(Holy fucking fuck)
Rapid Aging
From: The Last Crusade
(Holy mother of fucking shit)