Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Top 5 Worst Ways To Die In A Movie

(Thanatophobia — fear of dying)
There's a lot of competition in this field, movies have been pioneering the most horrific ways imaginable to perish for some time now.
From Rumble in the Bronx's headfirst into a woodchipper to Anaconda's eaten by an Anaconda, its time to head-first woodchipper dive into subjectivity and find the worst of the worst.

5. Eaten Alive
From: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(Phagophobia — fear of being eaten alive)

Painful, terrifying, and little on the slow side. Mother nature rea
lly knows how to be just horrific on many levels, because to some extent all flesh is meant to be consumed in the grand food chain, which makes you aware that this is universally scary to all living things. This unlucky fellow was thrown to the crocs by his boss.

4. Flaming Skewer to the Gut
From: Indiana
Jones and the Temple of Doom
(Sinophobia - Fear of the Chinese)
(General Tso's Skewer - Squab in hoysin sauce, its to die for)

The Chinese triad mobsters are so polite, that they were trying to kill indy in their own club but on the down low, presumably to save face. During the show down, Indy hurls a flaming squab skewer at this man's midsection. I imagine the force at which it was traveling probably sent a rib shooting out of his back. and seriously, you need a rib shooting out of your back as much as you need a nailgun to the collarbone. Fuck that noise.

3. Choked to death by a ceiling fan
From: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(Pnigophobia — fear of being unable to breathe, or of choking)

More slow and terrifying ways to die from Spielberg. Ideally you'd want the neck to snap and put you out of your misery, otherwise its an adrenaline filled suffocation fest that leaves you dead, but leaves perverts ejaculating and dead.

2. Your beating heart is pulled out and then you are dropped into lava
From: Indiana Jon
es and the Temple of Doom
(Pyrophobia - fear of fire)
(heartstealaphobia - fear of having your fucking heart stolen)

I don't remember a time when this didn't terrify me. Clearly this is the work of a disturbed person taking time to plan out just an awful way to go. Or rather, taking two awful ways to go and linking them via magic. Which opens the door to even more macabre scenarios, like magic keeping you alive after a gunshot wound to the face so you can be raped to death, or, magic keeping you alive after a raping that will kill a mortal man, only to be fatally raped.

1. Slowly Crushed To Death From: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(Barophobia — fear of being crushed)

And number one way to go, my personal nightmare, crushed slowly. Combining anxiety and incredible pain, I really have to hand it to Spielberg and company for jam packing Temple of Doom with such vivid gore and terror. This is it for me, there is no worse way I could imagine to die, that is unless the lead singer from nickleback somehow has a razor sharp penis, then my darkest nightmare could come to life where he holds me hostage with it and makes me listen to one of their albums.

Spielberg is a deeply broken man, its a wonder he's done so many family friendly films, the Indy series is kid friendly like ice cream is broken glass friendly. The filmmaker ran the table dominating the top 5 with just one of his films, fan favorite cringe worthy deaths like the head explosion from scanners, all of Braveheart, or the end of Philadelphia were sadly edged out.
Perhaps the runners up category will see some more variety...

Runners up
And its a tie between two other Indiana Jones films.

Melted by God Fire
From: Raiders of the Lost Arc
(Holy fucking fuck)
Rapid Aging
From: The Last Crusade
(Holy mother of fucking shit)