5 Upsides to Global Warming

People tell me that global warming is scary. That's not scary. Having your anus forcibly carved out with a paring knife, that's scary. What global warming is is different. Its natural for people to fear change. For example look at how change scares an eight year old. They're terrified when you make them change out of their clothing - just like adults are when you try to change their worldview. So today I'm going to show you five ways that global warming can be as warm and wholesome as a naked eight year old.



5. Farming In Alaska

WHAT WILL HAPPEN
The temperature will transform Alaska's bitter northern slopes to verdant nubile fields.
People will build wooden huts and live to work the land, and the new era of "agrarian neo-green homosexuals" will rise. Not just here, but everywhere, food yields in the far north will flourish.

WHY THAT'S GOOD
Humanity can begin anew. Shaken like a cultural etch-a-sketch, we can all learn to live together in the super massive ghetto we hastily cobbled together and live in peace and human filth until Plague 2 comes.




4. Eternal Summer

WHAT WILL HAPPEN
Temperatures rise. Wonderful. It's winter now and it's so cold I want to eat a bullet. Sure, the water level rises and only Colorado, Washington and Wyoming are left, but finally we can restart with just the good states.

WHY THAT'S GOOD
Oh boo-hoo we lost the south. Fossil fuel byproduct accomplishes what trailer parks and bacon cheeseburgers couldn't. Maybe we lost a few other cities (78% of them worldwide) but come on, your town could probably benefit from hitting the reset button.




3. Glaciers

WHAT WILL HAPPEN
Gone. All they do is kill people, generate weather no one wants and force soccer players to feast upon each other. Stop hogging all that liquid and melt already.

WHY THAT'S GOOD
The only people who will protest this are mountain climbers, the non-professional population of whom are conceited dick-lickers. Your mountain sized kill-ice is gone, you carabiner fascists.





2. Traditional Terrorists Will Disappear

WHAT WILL HAPPEN
In full swing, global warming will make Iran, Pakistan and Afghanistan practically uninhabitable. A shame to lose all those millions of innocent people, but the few terrorists installed there will be forced to leave.

WHY THAT'S GOOD
America's buildings and infrastructure will have been destroyed by the flooding and temperature, and all walks of life will be forced to live together on what land remains, and then the healing can begin between sorely differing philosophical and religious view. Until they release Plague 2.



1. Mass Extinctions

WHAT WILL HAPPEN
Heat and rising sea levels will have a couple adverse effects, like wiping vast habitats off the map. The UN believes that extinctions are happening at one thousand times the normal rate. Acidic oceans will now only nurture vast graveyards of fish bones. Rain forests wither to dust, their inhabitants living now only on DVD. Sounds sad right? WRONG.

WHY THAT'S GOOD
Fuck animals. For every cute harbor seal there are a thousand types of spider that would give you a huge glistening sack of spider dollars to lay eggs in your eye. As it is you live in a house, commute to work and then go back. At what point are you really going to miss a giant poisonous moth or that god damn fish that swims up your urethra and expands. Let it go, just moveon.org already.